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The Ballad of Beau Watkins

Posted by atrejub on Thursday, March 4, 2010

Much has been told of late in these parts about that man, that legend Beau Watkins. Figured I'd lay down the tale for those that wanna hear it. Gather 'round the guitar and listen well...

Jack S. Pharaoh
Location:
Posts: 2231
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

I would've gone with:

"I'm at Applebee's," Beau offered, as a location reference,
"You eat at that shithole?" she gasped. "That's a stoning offense!"

More accurate this way. Of course, this would need to be proceeded by a line or two that would have already set up who Beau was talking to. Anyway, here's another alternative.

"You're dining at Applebee's? Isn't that a bit pedestrian?"
Aware that she'd offended, she offered to ride, reverse equestrian.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

I admit I took the cheap rhyme just cuz I was almost done and didn't want to spend too much more time on it. Obviously I should've put more effort into that part!

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Jack S. Pharaoh
Location:
Posts: 2231
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

Quasar wrote:

Everyone sit back and let me spin you this tale
Of a remarkable young man most hardy and hale
A legend in Alabama to this very day
And by the end of this song, you won’t know if he’s gay
It’s Ol’ Beau

I kind of like this construction; it reminds me of Nick Cave's Stagger Lee.

It was back in '32 when times were hard
He had a Colt .45 and a deck of cards
Stagger Lee
He wore rat-drawn shoes and an old stetson hat
Had a '28 Ford, had payments on that
Stagger Lee
His woman threw him out in the ice and snow
And told him, "Never ever come back no more"
Stagger Lee
So he walked through the rain and
he walked through the mud
Till he came to a place called The Bucket Of Blood
Stagger Lee
He said "Mr Motherfucker, you know who I am"
The barkeeper said, "No, and I don't give a good goddamn"
To Stagger Lee
He said, "Well bartender, it's plain to see
I'm that bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"
Mr. Stagger Lee
Barkeep said, "Yeah, I've heard your name down the way
And I kick motherfucking asses like you every day"
Mr Stagger Lee
Well those were the last words that the barkeep said
'Cause Stag put four holes in his motherfucking head
Just then in came a broad called Nellie Brown
Was known to make more money than any bitch in town
She struts across the bar, hitching up her skirt
Over to Stagger Lee, she starts to flirt
With Stagger Lee
She saw the barkeep, said, "O God, he can't be dead!"
Stag said, "Well, just count the holes
in the motherfucker's head"
She said, "You ain't look like you scored in quite a time.
Why not come to my pad? It won't cost you a dime"
Mr. Stagger Lee
"But there's something I have to say before you begin
You'll have to be gone before my man Billy Dilly comes in,
Mr. Stagger Lee"
"I'll stay here till Billy comes in,
till time comes to pass
And furthermore I'll fuck Billy in his motherfucking ass"
Said Stagger Lee
"I'm a bad motherfucker, don't you know
And I'll crawl over fifty good pussies just
to get one fat boy's asshole"
Said Stagger Lee
Just then Billy Dilly rolls in and he says, "You must be
That bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"
Stagger Lee
"Yeah, I'm Stagger Lee and you
better get down on your knees
And suck my dick, because If you
don't you're gonna be dead"
Said Stagger Lee
Billy dropped down and slobbered on his head
And Stag filled him full of lead
Oh yeah.

Jack S. Pharaoh
Location:
Posts: 2231
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

Quasar wrote:

I admit I took the cheap rhyme just cuz I was almost done and didn't want to spend too much more time on it. Obviously I should've put more effort into that part!

Yeah, I didn't really think about it, but the first four stanzas were definitely the cream, then it kind of trailed off at the end. I found it to be quite enjoyable, overall.

Thurston McQ
Location: Germany
Posts: 142
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

Ol' Beau Watkins. Now that's a name I've not heard in a long time . . . a long time.

Jack S. Pharaoh
Location:
Posts: 2231
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

You hear it every fucking day.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

Fuck you, Thurston McQ.

Thurston McQ
Location: Germany
Posts: 142
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

I do.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

You can't spell Beautiful without Beau.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 47 weeks ago

Ol' Beau Watkins can.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 46 weeks ago

Tiful ?

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
atrejub
Location:
Posts: 739
Posted: 7 years 39 weeks ago

This one time Ol' Beau Watkins was walkin' around and he felt a bit of a pinch in his side - the sort of pinch that would bring any normal man to his knees. Any normal man, but not ol' Beau Watkins. He went about his business and paid that pinch no heed.

Three days later Ol' Beau Watkins saw Death coming towards him, scythe in hand. "What are you after?" Ol' Beau demanded of Death. "Your appendix burst three days ago and now I've come to collect," the robed figure whispered back with a hiss.

Death slowly reached out a bony finger so as to plant the touch of death upon Ol' Beau Watkins, but Ol' Beau moved quick, charging as fast as a freight train. With a graceful arc of his leg, Ol' Beau Watkins planted a kick straight in the center of Death's taco so hard, that the Grim Reaper's head flew straight up off of his shoulders. Death's skull soared through the air some three miles. It plummeted back down to earth through the center of a bowling alley roof, and, wouldn't you know it, the force of the impact caused Ol' Beau Watkins to score a strike simultaneously on each of the alley's 22 lanes.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 39 weeks ago

I remember that. It's funny, though, how people can remember things slightly differently. I was there, too, and I could swear Death pushed his finger right into Ol' Beau's tit. Instead of seeming upset about it, though, Ol' Beau just laughed. I'll say this: Death looked a sight puzzled. You'd think an eyeball-less skull couldn't look puzzled, but there you have it. He poked Ol' Beau a few more times, threw off his hood, skritched at his skull in contemplation, then went back to poking.

Whether Ol' Beau Watkins was agitated by this flurry of pokes, bored, or simply had some place he wanted to be, I don't know. What I do know is that when he grabbed Death's finger and pulled Death in real close, Death's bones rattled like a bamboo wind chime. Then he crushed that finger like it was no more than a stick of shortbread.

From the kick to the taco on forward, my recollection is pretty much identical to yours.