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Better Ways Ol' Moneybags Dimple Could Be Spending His Billions

Posted by The Swollen Goi... on Friday, May 7, 2010

I'll reread some Uncle Scrooge comics and see if I can come up with some ideas.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

Nope, can't afford it.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

With that attitude, you practically *are* Uncle Scrooge.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

Look at Dalty, playin' down his crazy vast fortune.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Jack S. Pharaoh
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Posts: 2231
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

Quasar meant for that to be the first line in a devastating exploratory examination detailing the complex and haunting relationship between Dalty and his wealth, but Dalty used his vast resources to have the post crushed.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

He offered me $200,000 not to create this thread. It just left me feeling insulted. 1.) I hadn't even been considering creating this thread, 2.) Did he really think he could buy me? 3.) Only $200,000? The guy spends that much on toothpaste.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

And another $200,000 on a personal spittoon for the used toothpaste.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Jakester
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Posts: 5753
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

He could ship me a Karen Gillan. Kerrist, she is sexy.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

I hear he once paid a meter maid £3 million to tear up a parking ticket. She was only asking £50, but she took the £3 million. Why? Because she understands the value of money--unlike Ol' Moneybags Dimple.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

He bought Lithuania this one time. When asked why, he said, "If it was good enough for Kurt Cobain, it's good enough for me."

atrejub
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Posts: 739
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

I don't know enough about Nirvana to get that you are referencing the song "Lithium."

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

He could sponsor Adam54's 5K. 5K ought to do it. If he wants to pay tribute to Adam54's username, he could put up 54K. Or why not 545K? (That's in pounds, of course.) It's all the same to Ol' Moneybags.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

I am fucking skint right now. Properly poor until pay day.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

Not on Corona, you're not.

Ol' Moneybags Dimple has been canonized, and is now part of CCA's grander narrative.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

When Dalty says he's "fucking skint right now", that means he's down to a mere 20 jillion (pounds) in his 3rd Swiss account in his cousin's stepson's name.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

I think he just means his oil well hasn't been coming in.

Well, it's been coming into the ocean. For more than two weeks, at this point.

You've been irresponsible, Dalty. And you drive around in your gas-guzzling BMW SUV like nothing's wrong.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

He would've done something about his oil spill, but to him it's like one of us losing a dime out of our pocket. Ok, more like a nickel. And a really dirty, roughed up one at that.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

Dalty, any way I can talk you into buying up all existing copies of Little Man, then paying to have them fused together into one giant version of the Little Man character, and having that giant version of Little Man storm the gates of Goiter/Thursty/Zombie Ghandi! and forcibly wresting that final copy from Goiter's desperate and frightened fingers, and then devouring it in front of his eyes while at the same time playing snipets of the movie on a screen attached to its ass so Goiter can tearfully stare at the last fleeting remnants of his most adored movie of all time while its final atoms are disintegrating into the cold void of eternal emptiness, all the while playing a recording of me laughing hysterically at Goiter's crushing depression while I'm eating a slow roasted turkey sandwich on rye?

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

It'll still be on the Internet. It'll be there forever and ever.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

You keep thinkin' that. (heh heh heh)

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 42 weeks ago

Quasar wrote:

Dalty, any way I can talk you into buying up all existing copies of Little Man

Nope, but I'll lend you a dollar .75 so you can buy them all? That should cover it.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Watch out. The man's a usurer. He'll lend you that money, but he charges the kind of interest that cripples a fellow in body, soul, and bank account. He'll find out what matters most to you and take it away.

I hear a guy once borrowed a dime from him to buy a cup of java. In no time, Ol' Moneybags had a team at the guy's house digging through his stuff. Found out the guy was an oil painter with a particular fondness for Prussian Blue.

Now, Moneybags ain't the kind of guy what would cripple a painter's hand, or take out an eye so the guy loses his depth perception. No, Moneybags is the kind of guy who would destroy not only every available tube of Prussian Blue, but would make certain another batch cannot be made. And this is precisely what he did. By the time he was finished, there wasn't a spare grain of potash to be found on the market.

This would have been enough, but he went out of his way to keep iron sulfate off the market, too. He promised to put the U.S. military in the pink if the U.S. government would sell him ten square acres of protected California land. Of course, the government thought this was a fine trade, so it happened. They gave him an extra two acres to boot.

What made this land special, see, was all the California Redwoods on it. He had them stripped of their bark, and then lacquered with iron sulfate from the ground up.

Surely, Ol' Moneybags was finished, right? Ha! You see, he knew iron sulfate was a byproduct of the chemical reaction of iron to sulfuric acid. To humor himself, he bought every iron train rail no longer in use within a five hundred mile radius, had it smelted, had it formed to look like a giant US Dime, had a team of about two hundred people roll it to the guy's house, and turned it to face the guy's studio window.

If you were wondering, this all took place in the space of about four hours.

Everyone knows that Prussian Blue is no longer made by a simple combination of iron sulfate with potash. Dimple knew this, too, but he wanted to make sure he started where Prussian Blue started, then work his way to the modern composition. Today, cyanide is part of that composition. Dimple's trouble securing all the cyanide in the world makes for an interesting story, but it is an involved one best saved for a later date.

So, anyway, this guy gets home later in the day and discovers all his Prussian Blue missing. Oh, and a giant fucking dime is facing his art studio, which puzzles the shit out of him. Then Ol' Moneybags Dimple floats down on a ladder dangling from a CH-47 Chinook, steps off, gives the signal for the Chinook to return to base, stares the man down and asks, "Were you ever planning on paying me back?"

The guy, still a little confused, says, "Shit, Man, I got some change in the house." He goes in and comes back out with two nickels. "There's ten cents," he says. He puts the nickels in Dimple's palm, but Dimple just turns his palm sideways. The nickels clatter on the driveway. "I believe I lent you a dime," Dimple says. "In case you've forgotten what a dime looks like... " Ol' Moneybags Dimple gestures to the giant dime, then points out into the distance, makes a circular motion with the same hand, flattens the hand out like he's just played "paper" in a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors," and then slaps the air in a downward motion. A millisecond later, a cannonball comes screaming at the dime. The cannonball lands hard, top and center. The dime begins to wobble. Several more cannonballs hit in the next few seconds. The dime topples over, completely flattening the guy's house.

"All paid up," Ol' Moneybags says. He then shoots a grappling gun over the dime ledge, climbs up, presses a button at the base of the torch on the backside of the dime, reveals a hidden compartment, climbs in, starts up some hover jets on the dime face (now its underside), and flies away.

Strider
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Posts: 1430
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

I'm just wondering when the Natalie Portman robot clones show up....and the monkeys.

www.gamingoutsiders.com
atrejub
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Posts: 739
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

The guy, upon opening up the drawer normally containing a plethora of Prussian Blue tubes, discovered a small LCD screen showing a video loop of Ol' Moneybags Dimple burning "The Great Wave off Kanagawa" (the original, of course - quite affordable for him), laughing manically as the masterpiece and its radiant blues were engulfed in flames.

The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure Ol' Moneybags lent the man that dime without provocation.

He's a cruel mother fucker.

Strider
Location:
Posts: 1430
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Perhaps he even reverse-pickpocketed that dime right into the poor sap's wallet. Why would he put a dime in the dude's wallet? Just because he could.

www.gamingoutsiders.com