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Current Annoyances

Posted by The Swollen Goi... on Friday, March 5, 2010

I will be updating this infrequently. I will sometimes repeat myself. Feel free to add your own current annoyances.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Why, yes!

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Jack S. Pharaoh
Location:
Posts: 2231
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

The Swollen Goi... wrote:

Do you use it to determine how many centimeters separate your car from the cars on either side of it?

I use mine to judge feet. He he he, I'm a big man.

(yes, I know, Thursty, you knew this was coming, and you're disappointed [I am referring, of course, to this addendum, though the same sentiment could also be applied my comment previous])

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

I just assumed he handed the wheel over to his penis and let it park the car.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

No, my penis was making a start on the shopping whilst I parked the car.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

You won't be surprised to learn that there are several chains of supermarket where I am no longer welcome.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Your penis was shopping? Dude, that's kind of gay.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

For groceries, not shoes!!!

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Fuck... I should have said powertools instead of groceries!!

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Yes, you should have.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Daltons chin dimple wrote:

For groceries, not shoes!!!

Come clean, Dalty. We know your penis has worn pumps.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Especially after last weekend!!!

B-dum, tish..... I thank you........

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Current Annoyance
German roommates who go on and on about how they are superior to Americans in their recycling habits, yet can't seem to finish a carton of milk, orange juice, or eggs, a block of cheese, a head of lettuce, or any other perishable item before allowing it to go bad.

HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

To be fair, cheese never "goes bad", it just becomes slightly less edible.

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Instead of "goes bad," I should have written "develops stinky mold."

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Get really petty and point out that a person from a nation who's claim to fame is either a) being on the losing side in 2 world wars or b) being universally known as having no sense of humour is in no position to lecture you.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Daltons chin dimple wrote:

Get really petty and point out that a person from a nation who's claim to fame is either a) being on the losing side in 2 world wars or b) being universally known as having no sense of humour is in no position to lecture you.

To be fair, most continental European countries meet both criteria.

That said, one should never pass up an opportunity to needle the Germans, so: hear, hear.

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
Mal Shot First
Location:
Posts: 3180
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Current Annoyances

  1. Addressing something in condescending irony by saying: "Oh, [insert thing], you're so [insert adjective]..."
  2. Using "Oh noes!" in a real-life conversation (or even in an online conversation at this point)
  3. Commenting in a hyperbolic speech about how addicted one is to coffee (often accompanied by exaggerations about one's extreme lack of sleep)
  4. Commenting in a hyperbolic speech about how hung over one is (often accompanied by exaggerations about one's alcohol intake the night before)
  5. Claiming that something is "so random," thus attempting to indicate that thing's utmost strangeness or eccentric humor; [adult_swim] and Family Guy have killed any novelty that was once to be found in "random" situations or comments
  6. Using black slang and speech patterns in an awkward white person's delivery and tone of voice
  7. Following up whatever you just said with "I don't know what that means" (then why would you say it?)
  8. Ironically referring to the discount store Target as "Tahr-ZHEY" in order to accentuate its supposed superiority as compared to, let's say, Wal-Mart: not only is it unoriginal, but it ceases being even marginally funny after the first time you hear it

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

I remember the first time I heard "Target" pronounced "the French way." My immediate impression was that it was cute. The thought following this immediate impression was: "I really, really hope this doesn't catch on."

A Target opened up in Tuscaloosa in 2001. An ex-girlfriend's roommate only ever referred to it with the exaggerated French pronunciation. She brought it up constantly, and would say how glad she was to have something new in the neighborhood to take away Wal-Mart's business. My own roommate at the time, while never referring to it with the exaggerated French pronunciation, held a similar view. Once, when my ex-girlfriend's car broke down in front of the Wal-Mart, we had to call my roommate to come get us. My roommate almost declined, citing the embarrassment of being spotted in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I was finally able to convince her to get off her snobbish ass by assuring her that none of her asshole friends would be caught dead there, anyway, or would never mention having seen her there, since they, too, would have some 'splainin' to do. I also promised her an any-time-refundable rain check on a favor of her choosing. She told us to be standing in front of the store at the ready, so we could dive in and she could speed away. Wal-Mart, she said, was "evil," and being in the parking lot any longer than she had to would make her "physically ill."

When she came a-claimin' for that favor, it was a fucking doozie. Long story short, I ended up being her chauffeur for a year and having to keep an enormous secret from the German department.

Later in the school year, I bought her a birthday present. I bought it at Wal-Mart. To this day, she believes I ordered it on-line.

The more I think about the kind of person this former roommate was, the less I like her.

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Not only should you tell her you bought her present at Wal-Mart, you should lie about other things that weren't bought at Wal-Mart, saying they were. Also, in the future, when giving out rain checks for favors, make sure you write "sexual" in the fine print.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

I discovered something about Target about five years back while flying over one on the way back to St. Louis: at least some of the stores paint giant targets on their roofs.

This, too, I thought was cute for a second or two. Upon further reflection, it seemed to me to be a really bad idea.

Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

I refer to that smiley face store as "the evil empire." Strangely, everyone knows immediately to which store I am referring.
Also, I tend to say "tarjay." I hate myself for that.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

The word "preggers" sends me into a murderous rage.

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
Adam54
Location:
Posts: 2082
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Jakester wrote:


Also, I tend to say "tarjay." I hate myself for that.

I worked at that store for five years. I heard "Tarjay" enough to make me want to take my own life.

Oh, and I'm now currently annoyed because all this Target talk made me remember a past annoyance.

At least once a week, without fail, the following would occur:

I would be all decked out in Target gear. Red shirt, khaki pants, name tag on that says "Adam" on the top and "Target" on the bottom next to the bullseye logo. I'd have a scanning gun in my hand, and electronics or backroom keys attached to my belt.

WITHOUT FAIL, in spite of ALL those OBVIOUS signs, some fucking moronic and often senior citizen would come up to me and ask:

"....do you work here?"

Why the hell would I BE DRESSED LIKE THIS IF I DIDN'T WORK HERE?!?!?! ARRGGGH!!!

*breathes*

Oh, and a current current annoyance is my Global Politics exam on Tuesday and the mind numbingly vague and rambly teacher who expects us to know exactly what to expect of him when he stands and rambles for three hours all while using his incredible Chinglish speaking to say words like "Wice Wersa" and "Wigilant."

And I just spent the weekend working at a Casino. But I won't tell you about that now, just look for my book "Things That Annoy Me At The Casino" coming in paperback this fall.

Adam54
Location:
Posts: 2082
Posted: 7 years 37 weeks ago

Also, people who wear red and khaki into a Target store to go shopping annoy me to this day. You're just begging for trouble.