Corona | Coming Attractions

Mal Shot First wrote:

Current Annoyances

Using black slang and speech patterns in an awkward white person's delivery and tone of voice

Whatchoo talkin' about Willis?

HI MY NAME IS GUS wrote:

The word "preggers" sends me into a murderous rage.

This annoys another friend of mine as well. (This other friend is Zac D____, a name that will mean something to exactly three others on this board. It's the fifth entry on his wiki's sixty-plus-entry-long "Annoying Verbal Habits.")

I don't have that big a problem with it. I haven't encountered it that many times outside of people making fun of others who say it. I imagine it would annoy me somewhat if a pregnant person or a friend or relative of a pregnant person were to use it as an earnest descriptor for the pregnant state. I am certain it would annoy me if I were to hear it used in a "cutesy" way. In the southeastern U.S., no one really says it.

Another friend of mine, Felt Pelt/Ben S____, worked it into some fake behind-the-scenes prequel talk. I think he did this because he is similarly annoyed with it.

I encountered "preggo" a few times back in the day. That was annoying. I saw it used in some anti-abortion sloganeering. "LEGGO MY PREGGO!" the shirts read. It was done up in the cursive Eggo font. The people wearing the shirt were chanting the phrase out in front of a planned parenting center. I had driven a friend there for some "day after" pills. On our way in, we were told we were no better and no less murderous than Nazis. I said, "No, you have us wrong. We're going in to plan our pregnancy. We're not even pregnant, yet. We know how getting pregnant is supposed to work, but we want to make sure we go about everything that happens after that in the right way."

All right, so most of that never happened. Everything up to the previous paragraph's sixth sentence happened. After that, though, lies.

"LEGGO MY PREGGO!"

Hm. Now I'm considering making waffles with semen. Yummy!

LEGGO MY PREGGO is actually pretty clever, if only it made any sense.

Similarly I have a friend who's name is Craig, so I coined "Leggo My Craigo". Unfortunately I was never actually able to use it in any meaningful way. I guess I should have just made a sign.

HI MY NAME IS GUS wrote:

Hm. Now I'm considering making waffles with semen. Yummy!

This isn't the first time you've ever considered making waffles with semen, I hope.

It's a delightful way to violate people.

I also like to mix syrup right into the batter. That way, they're already sweet.

The Swollen Goi... wrote:

This isn't the first time you've ever considered making waffles with semen, I hope.It's a delightful way to violate people.I also like to mix syrup right into the batter. That way, they're already sweet.

Back when I used to hang out at Cinescape (so, five years ago or more), there was this hilarious news story about a dentist who tried to get his female patients to rinse their mouths with his semen (he wouldn't tell them it was semen), and he would ask them if they liked the taste of it. According to the story, one woman spit it out and exclaimed, "That tastes like semen!", to which the dentist replied, "That's crazy!" At least one patient, according to the story, told her husband and his friend about it, who laughed at the absurdity and convinced her it probably wasn't semen. The dentist's reaction to the first patient amused me greatly, and I couldn't help but think that that was just about the worst way to react if you were trying to secretly get your patients to taste your semen. You probably want to say something more like, "Huh, that's a new one." You probably don't want to exclaim, "What?! What, you think I have some horrible, irresistable urge to get my female patients to taste my semen?! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!!" But another thing that just seemed so hilarious to me was the whole awkward social nature of it. How many women recognized the taste, but were unwilling to admit they could recognize the taste of semen so readily? How many were simply unwilling to vocalize that a dental product tasted like semen, possibly risking looking as though they are accusing the dentist of making them taste his semen? How many were blissfully unaware of what semen tasted like, and took no notice whatsoever? Also, my favorite alternate possible reaction by the dentist to the woman exclaiming, "That tastes like semen!", would be "How would you know, you WHORE!?!" That's what I would've said.

I think I saw that in a porno once.

Girl: "That tastes like semen!"
Guy: "It's not, but I got the real stuff right here!"
*bom chica bomp bom*

I remember that article. I don't believe I made a comment about it then, and I don't believe I will now, because if I do, it'll never end.

Daltons chin dimple wrote:

Whatchoo talkin' about Willis?

You're doing it wrong.

Adam54 wrote:

WITHOUT FAIL, in spite of ALL those OBVIOUS signs, some fucking moronic and often senior citizen would come up to me and ask: "....do you work here?" Why the hell would I BE DRESSED LIKE THIS IF I DIDN'T WORK HERE?!?!?!

You might be one of those assholes who wears a red polo shirt and khakis while shopping at Target.

The next time I go to Target, I'm going to ask anyone who looks like they work there "Are you one of those assholes?"

I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it.

Mal Shot First wrote:

You might be one of those assholes who wears a red polo shirt and khakis while shopping at Target.

I've thought of this, but it doesn't quite add up when you factor in the name tag, scanner gun, and the walkie-talkie attached to my hip that I forgot to mention in my original rant.

Current Annoyance

Charter Internet

Mal Shot First wrote:

You might be one of those assholes who wears a red polo shirt and khakis while shopping at Target.

See! See! Jake knows! How many times did you get harassed, John Boy?

Current Annoyance

The promulgation of reduced-fat milk and the assumption by most drink-vending institutions that I want my milk as watered down as scientifically possible so as to approach, hyperbolically, H₂0.

I want my whole milk/sweet milk, dammit!!!

I'm sorry, Julio, I can't let you take vacation next week.

But señor! You do not understand; my wife, she is muy preggo.

Mal Shot First wrote:

You're doing it wrong.

Fo' shizzle?

Current Annoyances:

The Oscars. As I wrote on the main page, what a load of wank!

I love America and Americans, but 10 minutes of Ryan Seacrest from the red carpet on the E! channel and I am beginning to think that Bin Laden fellow might be on to something.

You say you love Americans, but you don't love Goiter. Not like I love Goiter, you don't.

The Swollen Goi... wrote:

I discovered something about Target about five years back while flying over one on the way back to St. Louis: at least some of the stores paint giant targets on their roofs. This, too, I thought was cute for a second or two. Upon further reflection, it seemed to me to be a really bad idea.

I have to say, this struck me as a rather pedestrian way of posting this, Goiter. I expected something a tad more creative. In other words, "I AM DISAPPOINT!"

Jakester wrote:

You say you love Americans, but you don't love Goiter. Not like I love Goiter, you don't.

I consider Goiter a German. He has gone native.

Quasar wrote:

I have to say, this struck me as a rather pedestrian way of posting this, Goiter. I expected something a tad more creative. In other words, "I AM DISAPPOINT!"

I excel at "pedestrian."

I was once late to a movie. I decided to wait for the next showing. Right next to the theater was an Applebee's. I went there to get a bite to eat and kill some time. While there, a friend called me and asked me what I was doing. I said I was sitting in an Applebee's and waiting for a movie to start. She then asked, "Applebee's? Isn't that a bit... pedestrian?" I thought about making some dumb joke about having driven there as opposed to walking there, but I didn't. I thought about defending Applebee's, "pedestrian" dining as a whole, and my choice to partake in it, but I didn't. I thought about asking her to consider the dumb shit that had just come out of her mouth, but I didn't. Instead, I said, "Well, that's where I am." I then invited her to the movie, because I could sense she was waiting for the invitation. She accepted. My voice must have betrayed how put off I was by her remark, because she apologized for it after the movie.

Sometimes, graduate students (this friend was one) annoy me. Sure, Applebee's isn't quite the "fine dining" experience some graduate students have come to expect. They get their mammoth student loans, and it enables them to buy the fancy clothes, eat the trendy foods, and work toward developing themselves into the cultured assholes they think their station requires them to be. A lot of these people started out just like I did: an upper lower class/lower middle class kid from a rural area in a town dominated by church, gossip, and sports (not necessarily in that order). Two years into their graduate student educations, though, you'd think they were raised reading Lacan in the crib, brewing breakfast in a French press, and made to walk to school wearing Italian shoes and designer neck scarves. For the most part, I have resisted making friends with fellow graduate students unless they were of the "dressed down" variety. (I recognize this as a failing on my part. I do have some friends who are graduate students, who are not of this variety, and whose quality of character I believe to be beyond reproach, so I don't think it's the case that I routinely dismiss people because they appear to me to be outwardly pompous. I try not to be dismissive of people. Honestly. I'm sure I appear as outwardly pompous to some people as some people appear to me.)

Where I grew up, Applebee's continues to be considered the "upscale" place to go. If you take a girl out on a date, she will be offended if you don't drive twenty-four miles out--past Kilpatrick, past Boaz, past Albertville, and all the way to Guntersville--to go to the Applebee's. I remember when that Applebee's opened. The entire town of Crossville was abuzz. Our area, folks said, had finally "made it." It was months before a person could get a seat at Applebee's.

For those of you unfamiliar with Applebee's, it's a chain bar and grill very much like other chain restaurants and bars. Its being a bar figured into its arrival in Guntersville. Guntersville is in Marshall County, which is a dry county. About a decade ago or so, though, the city of Guntersville elected to go "wet," amid protests. These protesters are often the same people who keep beating alive in the public school system. Both the grammar school and high school in my hometown still allow teachers to beat children's asses with wooden paddles. It's considered routine. I, myself, was paddled three times at school. Once by my third grade teacher, once by my agriculture teacher (I had no use for agriculture, but two years of it was mandatory for all boys. Two years of home economics were mandatory for all girls), and once by one of my coaches. I have extensive nerve damage in my ass, of course, so joke's on them. Paddlings at school were less severe and less humiliating than whippings at home. At least the teachers could aim properly. My mother often whipped me about the legs and back when she got too excited to keep the focus on my ass. (There's some inappropriate humor there, somewhere.)

But back to Applebee's. Compare it to T.G.I. Friday's, Ruby Tuesday, or Chili's, if you don't know it but know any of those places. If you've seen Waiting..., Applebee's is the breed of chain bar and grill parodied therein. It's considered pricey by people who live in rural areas and are more familiar with prices for fast food and buffets. This is the case in my hometown. It's not cheap, exactly. Aperson could get an appetizer, a drink, a meal, and a dessert for under thirty dollars, however, which means I wouldn't go so far as to call it expensive. The food can be good, mediocre, or bad, depending on what you order, and depending on how up-to-the-task of cooking the cooks feel on any given day.

Is Applebee's "pedestrian"? If you are the kind of person who calls things pedestrian with anything approaching a lack of humor or irony, then I suppose you might consider it pedestrian.

(A side note: I annoy myself sometimes. It's clear to me that I often think I am better than people who think they are better than people. I have made humorous mention of my anti-snob snobbery in the past, but the truth is I feel crummy about thinking ill of people.)

If you and I stick around long enough, CAers, I will eventually relate my life's story to you.

Perhaps, Goiter, you should consider not hanging out with utter pricks.

Furthermore, are you sure the middle section (about the paddling and whatnot) wasn't part of ol' Beau Watkins's biography that you appropriated for yourself?