Corona | Coming Attractions

"Does it smell like corn tassels? ANSWER THE QUESTION."

"All right, children. This is how you identify a pedophile. Any questions?"

You smell like.........Pooh!

"Pedobear, could you turn a little to the left so I can get a good action shot?"

"Steven Seagal, seen here in his preferred paparazzi-ducking getup, demonstrates proper vertebrae snapping technique to underprivileged Memphis kindergartners."

Yogi's audition for a Boo-boo replacement took a sinister turn at the local kindergarten.

Teacher: "See, class, Klaus the Bear wasn't lying when he said he'd skull-fuck anyone who talked without permission. Manuel, you're getting a little too excited by this; go see the counselor to begin reorientation training."

"Dum-dum-dum-dummmm"

"And that, class, is why we don't use our teeth to try to undo a stuck zipper."

"Hug me a little more to the left."

What was the worst moment in poor Bobby's life swiftly slipped to second place when the horrible truth came to light that the classroom did not contain a single breath mint.

But little Johnny was mistaken. Although it sounded similar, Uncle Charlie had not, in fact, said he'd meet a "polar bear".

Steven Seagal, seen here in his preferred paparazzi-ducking getup, demonstrates proper wiping technique to underprivileged Memphis kindergartners.

"The key, Children, is to wipe front to back, avoiding the perineum altogether. The girls should take special heed of this. If a boy spreads his filth up front, it just makes him dirty. If a girl does, the end result could be an infection, a hospital stay, or, worst case scenario... death. You remember death, don't you, Children? Death is what I told you would most likely result from the vertebrae-snapping technique I showed you earlier."
"I don't want to die," says a precocious, pink-shirted girl sitting at the table.
"Everybody dies, Kid. Except Enoch and Elijah. The Bible teaches us that, rather than having them die traditional deaths, God 'translated' them to heav... "

Here the instructor, not wishing what she felt to be Sensei Seagal's gross misinterpretation of the Holy Word to be allowed currency, feels she must interject.

"Respectfully, Sensei, I submit that in Hebrews 11:13, it says of *all* God's faithful--including Enoch and the prophets, of whom Elijah was one (yes, these examples are listed explicitly)--'THESE ALL DIED IN FAITH.'"
"Whatever, Lady. I'm a Buddhist. So there you have it, Kid. Everybody dies. Even Enoch and Elijah, apparently, despite the obvious contradiction this sets up in the supposedly infallible text into which your sheep-like parents have been indoctrinating you since birth."
"Thank you, Mr. Seagal. I believe that will be quite enough," the instructor says, setting down her camera. "Your guest lecture has been appreciated, but I do not believe a Buddhist has any authority to interpret the word of God."

Seagal counters. "If you take Moses Maimonides's position (which I do), only those privileged to be able to understand the Bible to its fullest--namely the select few among the rabbinically trained who are deemed capable of seeing the depth in the words without having that depth spelled out to them by the teaching of another--may interpret the word of God."
"And who deems these few to be capable of seeing this depth?"
"Older rabbis, of course. The ones who, likewise, see this depth."
"It seems to me a thing of convenience that these rabbis have carte blanche to decide who gets into their exclusive little club. It seems, furthermore, calumnious and insulting that these rabbis would convince their congregation that they, alone, held the power of divine comprehension."
"You would think that, Lady. You're a southern protestant living in Memphis. I wouldn't be surprised if you hated the Jews every bit as much as Martin Luther."
"THE JEWS KILLED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, THE CHRIST OF NAZARENE!"
"Ah. The truth will out. That's from Shakespeare, Lady. He was an antisemitic, too."

The class assistant drops her broom and joins the discussion. "It's one thing to misinterpret the Bible, and another to impugn the name of Shakespeare. Clearly, you refer to the portrayal of Shylock in Merchant of Venice. Well, recent scholarship shows... "

Before she can finish, Seagal manuevers himself behind her. He places one hand over her mouth, and presses the other up against her occipital protuberance. With a swift motion, he yanks both hands in opposite directions. The assistant rubs her fingers just below the jawline on either side of her neck. She tilts her head gingerly toward her left shoulder, then her right. "Oww, you prick. I think you strained something." Seagal replaces his hands about her head, and repeats the motion--this time with considerably more force. She crumples to the floor, dead. "Damned costume," he mutters to no one in particular. "You just can't get a grip." He removes his bear head, and gives the class a steely stare. "I hope you children now understand the importance of proper technique."

"And that, children, is how you prevent forest fires."

Is this "forest fire" a metaphor for herpes?

And wouldn't this method technically be *spreading* said "forest fire"?

The Swollen Goi... wrote:

Steven Seagal, seen here in his preferred paparazzi-ducking getup, demonstrates proper wiping technique to underprivileged Memphis kindergartners. "The key, Children, is to wipe front to back, avoiding the perineum altogether. The girls should take special heed of this. If a boy spreads his filth up front, it just makes him dirty. If a girl does, the end result could be an infection, a hospital stay, or, worst case scenario... death. You remember death, don't you, Children? Death is what I told you would most likely result from the vertebrae-snapping technique I showed you earlier."
"I don't want to die," says a precocious, pink-shirted girl sitting at the table.
"Everybody dies, Kid. Except Enoch and Elijah. The Bible teaches us that, rather than having them die traditional deaths, God 'translated' them to heav... "Here the instructor, not wishing what she felt to be Sensei Seagal's gross misinterpretation of the Holy Word to be allowed currency, feels she must interject. "Respectfully, Sensei, I submit that in Hebrews 11:13, it says of *all* God's faithful--including Enoch and the prophets, of whom Elijah was one (yes, these examples are listed explicitly)--'THESE ALL DIED IN FAITH.'"
"Whatever, Lady. I'm a Buddhist. So there you have it, Kid. Everybody dies. Even Enoch and Elijah, apparently, despite the obvious contradiction this sets up in the supposedly infallible text into which your sheep-like parents have been indoctrinating you since birth."
"Thank you, Mr. Seagal. I believe that will be quite enough," the instructor says, setting down her camera. "Your guest lecture has been appreciated, but I do not believe a Buddhist has any authority to interpret the word of God."Seagal counters. "If you take Moses Maimonides's position (which I do), only those privileged to be able to understand the Bible to its fullest--namely the select few among the rabbinically trained who are deemed capable of seeing the depth in the words without having that depth spelled out to them by the teaching of another--may interpret the word of God."
"And who deems these few to be capable of seeing this depth?"
"Older rabbis, of course. The ones who, likewise, see this depth."
"It seems to me a thing of convenience that these rabbis have carte blanche to decide who gets into their exclusive little club. It seems, furthermore, calumnious and insulting that these rabbis would convince their congregation that they, alone, held the power of divine comprehension."
"You would think that, Lady. You're a southern protestant living in Memphis. I wouldn't be surprised if you hated the Jews every bit as much as Martin Luther."
"THE JEWS KILLED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, THE CHRIST OF NAZARENE!"
"Ah. The truth will out. That's from Shakespeare, Lady. He was an antisemitic, too."The class assistant drops her broom and joins the discussion. "It's one thing to misinterpret the Bible, and another to impugn the name of Shakespeare. Clearly, you refer to the portrayal of Shylock in Merchant of Venice. Well, recent scholarship shows... "Before she can finish, Seagal manuevers himself behind her. He places one hand over her mouth, and presses the other up against her occipital protuberance. With a swift motion, he yanks both hands in opposite directions. The assistant rubs her fingers just below the jawline on either side of her neck. She tilts her head gingerly toward her left shoulder, then her right. "Oww, you prick. I think you strained something." Seagal replaces his hands about her head, and repeats the motion--this time with considerably more force. She crumples to the floor, dead. "Damned costume," he mutters to no one in particular. "You just can't get a grip." He removes his bear head, and gives the class a steely stare. "I hope you children now understand the importance of proper technique."

So, when Steven Seagul's quotes include a parenthetcal aside, should that be removed from inside the quotation marks, or does it mean there's a visible thought bubble that forms above Steven Seagul's head for all to read?

Also, does this mean that we actually have to define what encompasses a caption (for Goiter at least), as in something like "20 words or less"? ;)

I will eat you feet first, Q.

Meaning I will begin eating you with my feet.

Just so you know, my feet teeth are dull. It's gonna hurt.

Mostly because one of them has a cavity. And the rest are boring. Or did I already say that? No. No, wait. I said they were "dull"--which they are. And, technically, they aren't boring quite yet. They will be.

Eh?

EH?!

I am starting to become convinced that maybe halluciogenic chemicals may play an important part in your life?

I'd love to be able to have such a thing to blame.

It's mostly just sleep deprivation. I've only spent six of the last seventy-two hours asleep.

Kerrrist! I am a grumpy bastard if I don't get seven hours a night.... more if possible.

Is insomnia a problem for you? Or are you just too busy for the number of hours in a day?

I've been an insomniac since I was seven.

I live in intense, constant pain. It contributes to my sleeplessness.

So does guilt.

Have you tried masturbating furiously?

In all seriousness, and this might sound silly, but try the Paul McKenna CD "I Can Make You Sleep".

It cured a life-long insomniac in my family, and his quit smoking CD totally nailed it for a friend of mine.

I suspect I masturbate more furiously than most.

Can McKenna cure me of acute physical pain? If affirmation and hypnosis are the cards up his sleeve, it's likely his CDs will do me no good. Doctors have tried those on me. They've also tried the drugs.

Then I must apologise. When you mentioned pain in your previous post I thought you were being your usual and amusing self.