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Jack's Caption Thread

Posted by Jack S. Pharaoh on Saturday, February 20, 2010

Caption threads are fun for young and old alike, so I will start one to up the fun. Are you ready for the fun? I don't ask because I care, because it really doesn't matter if you're ready or not. This thread is like if you were on a date with Jack, and Jack was drunk: you better be ready, get ready, pretend you're ready, or just go to a happy place until it's over.

All right, first caption picture:

"That's right, Billy: say the alphabet now, you little bastard."

HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

"Does it smell like corn tassels? ANSWER THE QUESTION."

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

"All right, children. This is how you identify a pedophile. Any questions?"

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
Dirty Harry Potter
Location:
Posts: 284
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

You smell like.........Pooh!

There is no why
Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

"Pedobear, could you turn a little to the left so I can get a good action shot?"

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

"Steven Seagal, seen here in his preferred paparazzi-ducking getup, demonstrates proper vertebrae snapping technique to underprivileged Memphis kindergartners."

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Yogi's audition for a Boo-boo replacement took a sinister turn at the local kindergarten.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Jack S. Pharaoh
Location:
Posts: 2231
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Teacher: "See, class, Klaus the Bear wasn't lying when he said he'd skull-fuck anyone who talked without permission. Manuel, you're getting a little too excited by this; go see the counselor to begin reorientation training."

Mal Shot First
Location:
Posts: 3180
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

"And that, class, is why we don't use our teeth to try to undo a stuck zipper."

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
RedKarma
Location:
Posts: 263
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

"Hug me a little more to the left."

RedKarma - Not approved for use at high altitudes.
Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

What was the worst moment in poor Bobby's life swiftly slipped to second place when the horrible truth came to light that the classroom did not contain a single breath mint.

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

But little Johnny was mistaken. Although it sounded similar, Uncle Charlie had not, in fact, said he'd meet a "polar bear".

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Steven Seagal, seen here in his preferred paparazzi-ducking getup, demonstrates proper wiping technique to underprivileged Memphis kindergartners.

"The key, Children, is to wipe front to back, avoiding the perineum altogether. The girls should take special heed of this. If a boy spreads his filth up front, it just makes him dirty. If a girl does, the end result could be an infection, a hospital stay, or, worst case scenario... death. You remember death, don't you, Children? Death is what I told you would most likely result from the vertebrae-snapping technique I showed you earlier."
"I don't want to die," says a precocious, pink-shirted girl sitting at the table.
"Everybody dies, Kid. Except Enoch and Elijah. The Bible teaches us that, rather than having them die traditional deaths, God 'translated' them to heav... "

Here the instructor, not wishing what she felt to be Sensei Seagal's gross misinterpretation of the Holy Word to be allowed currency, feels she must interject.

"Respectfully, Sensei, I submit that in Hebrews 11:13, it says of *all* God's faithful--including Enoch and the prophets, of whom Elijah was one (yes, these examples are listed explicitly)--'THESE ALL DIED IN FAITH.'"
"Whatever, Lady. I'm a Buddhist. So there you have it, Kid. Everybody dies. Even Enoch and Elijah, apparently, despite the obvious contradiction this sets up in the supposedly infallible text into which your sheep-like parents have been indoctrinating you since birth."
"Thank you, Mr. Seagal. I believe that will be quite enough," the instructor says, setting down her camera. "Your guest lecture has been appreciated, but I do not believe a Buddhist has any authority to interpret the word of God."

Seagal counters. "If you take Moses Maimonides's position (which I do), only those privileged to be able to understand the Bible to its fullest--namely the select few among the rabbinically trained who are deemed capable of seeing the depth in the words without having that depth spelled out to them by the teaching of another--may interpret the word of God."
"And who deems these few to be capable of seeing this depth?"
"Older rabbis, of course. The ones who, likewise, see this depth."
"It seems to me a thing of convenience that these rabbis have carte blanche to decide who gets into their exclusive little club. It seems, furthermore, calumnious and insulting that these rabbis would convince their congregation that they, alone, held the power of divine comprehension."
"You would think that, Lady. You're a southern protestant living in Memphis. I wouldn't be surprised if you hated the Jews every bit as much as Martin Luther."
"THE JEWS KILLED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, THE CHRIST OF NAZARENE!"
"Ah. The truth will out. That's from Shakespeare, Lady. He was an antisemitic, too."

The class assistant drops her broom and joins the discussion. "It's one thing to misinterpret the Bible, and another to impugn the name of Shakespeare. Clearly, you refer to the portrayal of Shylock in Merchant of Venice. Well, recent scholarship shows... "

Before she can finish, Seagal manuevers himself behind her. He places one hand over her mouth, and presses the other up against her occipital protuberance. With a swift motion, he yanks both hands in opposite directions. The assistant rubs her fingers just below the jawline on either side of her neck. She tilts her head gingerly toward her left shoulder, then her right. "Oww, you prick. I think you strained something." Seagal replaces his hands about her head, and repeats the motion--this time with considerably more force. She crumples to the floor, dead. "Damned costume," he mutters to no one in particular. "You just can't get a grip." He removes his bear head, and gives the class a steely stare. "I hope you children now understand the importance of proper technique."

atrejub
Location:
Posts: 739
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

"And that, children, is how you prevent forest fires."

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Is this "forest fire" a metaphor for herpes?

And wouldn't this method technically be *spreading* said "forest fire"?

Quasar
Location:
Posts: 7588
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

The Swollen Goi... wrote:

Steven Seagal, seen here in his preferred paparazzi-ducking getup, demonstrates proper wiping technique to underprivileged Memphis kindergartners. "The key, Children, is to wipe front to back, avoiding the perineum altogether. The girls should take special heed of this. If a boy spreads his filth up front, it just makes him dirty. If a girl does, the end result could be an infection, a hospital stay, or, worst case scenario... death. You remember death, don't you, Children? Death is what I told you would most likely result from the vertebrae-snapping technique I showed you earlier."
"I don't want to die," says a precocious, pink-shirted girl sitting at the table.
"Everybody dies, Kid. Except Enoch and Elijah. The Bible teaches us that, rather than having them die traditional deaths, God 'translated' them to heav... "Here the instructor, not wishing what she felt to be Sensei Seagal's gross misinterpretation of the Holy Word to be allowed currency, feels she must interject. "Respectfully, Sensei, I submit that in Hebrews 11:13, it says of *all* God's faithful--including Enoch and the prophets, of whom Elijah was one (yes, these examples are listed explicitly)--'THESE ALL DIED IN FAITH.'"
"Whatever, Lady. I'm a Buddhist. So there you have it, Kid. Everybody dies. Even Enoch and Elijah, apparently, despite the obvious contradiction this sets up in the supposedly infallible text into which your sheep-like parents have been indoctrinating you since birth."
"Thank you, Mr. Seagal. I believe that will be quite enough," the instructor says, setting down her camera. "Your guest lecture has been appreciated, but I do not believe a Buddhist has any authority to interpret the word of God."Seagal counters. "If you take Moses Maimonides's position (which I do), only those privileged to be able to understand the Bible to its fullest--namely the select few among the rabbinically trained who are deemed capable of seeing the depth in the words without having that depth spelled out to them by the teaching of another--may interpret the word of God."
"And who deems these few to be capable of seeing this depth?"
"Older rabbis, of course. The ones who, likewise, see this depth."
"It seems to me a thing of convenience that these rabbis have carte blanche to decide who gets into their exclusive little club. It seems, furthermore, calumnious and insulting that these rabbis would convince their congregation that they, alone, held the power of divine comprehension."
"You would think that, Lady. You're a southern protestant living in Memphis. I wouldn't be surprised if you hated the Jews every bit as much as Martin Luther."
"THE JEWS KILLED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, THE CHRIST OF NAZARENE!"
"Ah. The truth will out. That's from Shakespeare, Lady. He was an antisemitic, too."The class assistant drops her broom and joins the discussion. "It's one thing to misinterpret the Bible, and another to impugn the name of Shakespeare. Clearly, you refer to the portrayal of Shylock in Merchant of Venice. Well, recent scholarship shows... "Before she can finish, Seagal manuevers himself behind her. He places one hand over her mouth, and presses the other up against her occipital protuberance. With a swift motion, he yanks both hands in opposite directions. The assistant rubs her fingers just below the jawline on either side of her neck. She tilts her head gingerly toward her left shoulder, then her right. "Oww, you prick. I think you strained something." Seagal replaces his hands about her head, and repeats the motion--this time with considerably more force. She crumples to the floor, dead. "Damned costume," he mutters to no one in particular. "You just can't get a grip." He removes his bear head, and gives the class a steely stare. "I hope you children now understand the importance of proper technique."

So, when Steven Seagul's quotes include a parenthetcal aside, should that be removed from inside the quotation marks, or does it mean there's a visible thought bubble that forms above Steven Seagul's head for all to read?

Also, does this mean that we actually have to define what encompasses a caption (for Goiter at least), as in something like "20 words or less"? ;)

Faster and faster, a nightmare we ride. Who'll take the reins when the miracle dies? Faster and faster till everything dies. Killing is our way of keeping alive. - Virgin Steele, Blood and Gasoline
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

I will eat you feet first, Q.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Meaning I will begin eating you with my feet.

Just so you know, my feet teeth are dull. It's gonna hurt.

Mostly because one of them has a cavity. And the rest are boring. Or did I already say that? No. No, wait. I said they were "dull"--which they are. And, technically, they aren't boring quite yet. They will be.

Eh?

EH?!

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

I am starting to become convinced that maybe halluciogenic chemicals may play an important part in your life?

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

I'd love to be able to have such a thing to blame.

It's mostly just sleep deprivation. I've only spent six of the last seventy-two hours asleep.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Kerrrist! I am a grumpy bastard if I don't get seven hours a night.... more if possible.

Is insomnia a problem for you? Or are you just too busy for the number of hours in a day?

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

I've been an insomniac since I was seven.

I live in intense, constant pain. It contributes to my sleeplessness.

So does guilt.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Have you tried masturbating furiously?

In all seriousness, and this might sound silly, but try the Paul McKenna CD "I Can Make You Sleep".

It cured a life-long insomniac in my family, and his quit smoking CD totally nailed it for a friend of mine.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

I suspect I masturbate more furiously than most.

Can McKenna cure me of acute physical pain? If affirmation and hypnosis are the cards up his sleeve, it's likely his CDs will do me no good. Doctors have tried those on me. They've also tried the drugs.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Then I must apologise. When you mentioned pain in your previous post I thought you were being your usual and amusing self.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"