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My Wife's Cornbread

Posted by HI MY NAME IS GUS on Wednesday, February 10, 2010

My wife and I spend almost all of our time together, and, oddly enough, we never seem to get tired of each other's company. Although it's true we hardly ever have sex anymore, we make up for it with our "special moments" in the kitchen. Whether it's preparing a fine dinner of filet mignon in sauce béarnaise or simply baking chocolate chip cookies, we would never miss the opportunity to indulge in our daily joint kitchen sessions. (She's a wizard with all things culinary.)

Yesterday, while I was out for a walk, she whipped up a batch of what she dubbed "Sweet Lu's White Cornbread" in preparation for the bake sale to benefit the annual Winnipuc Junior Achievers' Club "Bikes 4 Tikes" pledge drive.

(When I asked her "Why 'Sweet Lu's'?" she smiled and said, "If you want to move product, you've got to give it a catchy name, silly." As always, she's right.)

Anyway, I was the very first person she asked to taste-test her creation, which I was all too happy to do.

Now, as I said, my wife is a magician with a spoon, but when I stuffed most of the first slice in my mouth, something seemed amiss with the texture, hue and flavor of the bread. Not only was it excessively dry and mealy, it also possessed an unnaturally white coloration and noticeably acidic aftertaste. I mentioned these misgivings to her; since my cheeks were bulging with "Sweet Lu's White Cornbread", my muffled words puffed out tiny, white particles onto the kitchen table. She begged me to finish the whole piece before giving a final thumbs-up or -down. I dutifully did so, and reluctantly accepted another, larger, piece of cornbread that she insisted I try "just to be sure" (since "The corner piece always tastes different," she said).

Afterward, I told her with some hesitation that the overall experience was rather unsatisfactory; this remark upset her, with the result that I had to agree to eat another piece in order to ameliorate her hurt feelings. By this point it was becoming rapidly apparent that the white cornbread wasn't sitting well with me. I would have liked to throw up, but my sense of diplomacy prevented me from doing so. And besides, the cornbread was too heavy in my stomach to be moving anywhere.

Later that evening she went to bed, but I couldn't accompany her. I spent the entire night awake and in ever increasing discomfort.

The next day, with my indigestion unchanged and noticing that I was unable to take my morning BM, I decided to go to the doctor. He examined me and suggested I visit the Winnipuc Abdul Aziz Weaver Memorial Hospital emergency center, which I did.

After a few hours wait, I was ushered into a room where they pumped my stomach. The hospital intern in charge of my case asked several pointed questions, the most bizarre of which was whether we owned a beanbag chair or just beanbags in general; I informed him that we did not. (My wife had personally disposed of our only beanbag chair a few days prior; we had been forced to get rid of it due to our cat's frequent urination on it.) The intern mumbled something about "polystyrene" (I think) and suggested keeping me under observation, but I checked myself out.

My stomach has returned to normal now. What's better: my wife has promised to prepare a nice spannferkel with new potatoes for dinner tonight. She had some bad news as well, however, as it seems our cat Lucy ran away when I was gone over the past several hours.

KingVoyeur
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Posts: 1601
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

This has Sweeney Todd written alllll over it....

Honey bunches.....of death!
The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

Oh relax, HI MY NAME IS GUS. I've got a gut feeling Lucy's around there somewhere. After all, isn't there a little Lucy in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Lucy, and she's in our stomachs... right now! Wait. Scratch that one.

Dirty Harry Potter
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Posts: 284
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

I can't say as I've ever eaten cornbread before. I always assumed it was more of a southern dish.

There is no why
The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

It is a southern dish, I suppose, but they do make a version of it up north. They get it wrong. They make it too crumbly and way too sweet. Might as well call it "corn cake."

Down south, it's savory, and is occasionally peppered. Some folks rub a stick of butter over the just-baked pone/loaf until it is soaked into the bread. It's not very healthy, but, hey, it's the south.

My grandfather likes to crumble his up in buttermilk and eat it with a spoon--like cereal. Another, more common use for it is as a base upon which pinto beans are poured.

The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

Damn it. Now I want some Spanferkel.

Daltons chin dimple
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Posts: 12800
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

Are you talking to yourself again Goiter??

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
HI MY NAME IS GUS
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Posts: 357
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

My wife has made numerous friends at work. I meet them often when I come home in the evening; they're usually men, taller and somewhat younger than I am, and seem quite nice (albeit somewhat sweaty). Whenever I come home and see them sitting next to each other on the couch, they're always smiling at me and my darling is looking at me, laughing sweetly.

As I said before, my wife is an unbelievable cook. And, usually, we cook together, but a few weeks ago she decided to prepare a wonderful meatloaf for me; she told me that since it contained some mustard and more than the usual amount of ketchup, it was called "Condiment Surprise". Strangely enough, I didn't notice the extra ketchup/mustard (as I've said before: my wife is a culinary wizard).

When I say "meatloaf" that's not really doing justice to the meal. Yeah, it's sort of like a meatloaf, but with a peculiar marbling -- consisting of thin, rubbery (sometimes colored) twists within the loaf itself. It seems my wife is seldom hungry at the table when she's made something specially for me, so I have her creations all to myself. I have to say that the marbling in this particular meatloaf was quite chewy and stringy (but still wonderful!), and sometimes, when I bit into a certain choice bit, there was a sudden burst of wet, salty flavor that's quite redolent of corn tufts in mid-season. Very sickly-sweet somehow. Well, be that as it may. It's wonderful.

My wife loved watching me eat it. But she can have a strange sense of humor, as well. For example, every time I put a bite in my mouth she would say something like "That's Dirk's!" or "That's one of Roger's!" Well, I don't get it, but it's gotta be funny, since she giggles when she tells me!

Golly, she's wonderful!

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
Dirty Harry Potter
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Posts: 284
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

Ketchup is the condiment of the devil. And McDonalds. Ronald McDonald is the evilspeak.

There is no why
HI MY NAME IS GUS
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Posts: 357
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

Dirty Harry Potter wrote:

Ketchup is the condiment of the devil. And McDonalds. Ronald McDonald is the evilspeak.

But it's good in a crotch pot.

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

HI MY NAME IS GUS wrote:

But it's good in a crotch pot.

I believe you meant to write "cock pot."

Corporal_Hicks
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Posts: 1664
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

They say that guys over 6'4 can't fit in the cock pit.

Sent from Dalton's IPad.
atrejub
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Posts: 739
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

You guys are tall.

Corporal_Hicks
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Posts: 1664
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

You know what they say about guys with big feet:

BIG SHOES!

HA, ha ha ha. ha.

Too much Texas red, I think.

Sent from Dalton's IPad.
Daltons chin dimple
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Posts: 12800
Posted: 11 years 2 weeks ago

And you know what they say about menwith Big Shoes?

Clown!

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

HI MY NAME IS GUS, Mal Shot First, Corporal_Hicks, and I are all just barely able to fit in a cockpit. If we were all to try to fit in the same cockpit at once, the result would be somewhat clown car-like--except that we are not clowns.

Our feet fill out our shoes, and our red noses were earned the hard way. We didn't just walk into a magic store and buy them. We walked into a magic beer store and bought them one case at a time.

Corporal_Hicks
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Posts: 1664
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

I'll man the crotch pot!

Sent from Dalton's IPad.
The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

Because I feel like coming up with some anagrams for "I'll man the crotch pot":

Torch a toll, Pitchmen!
Protect a chill month.
Melt th' Catholic porn!
Coach plot lent mirth.
Char a menthol tip, Colt.
A Topnotch Chert Mill
Ethnic Trollop Match
Men chitchat, roll pot.
I melt top ranch cloth.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

The Swollen Goi... wrote:

Ethnic Trollop Match

I have seen that movie on teh interweb.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago

I think I'm proudest of "Coach plot lent mirth."

Mal Shot First
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Posts: 3180
Posted: 11 years 1 week ago
HI MY NAME IS GUS
Location:
Posts: 357
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Recently, I left for a week-long business retreat. As is normal, I tried to call my wife every day, but I guess she must have been away from the phone whenever I tried, because she didn't answer. I don't try the cell phone because she told me she almost always has it turned off.

When I got back from my trip a day early, my wife wasn't there. She came back late in the evening and seemed very happy to see me back so soon. (And surprised!) I thought we might cuddle a little bit after our week apart, but she said she wasn't feeling well. Sour stomach.

I suggested she go to a doctor later, but she said it would be okay, so I let the matter lie. Still, she had a hand pressed to her belly constantly, so that made me fear for her health. Goodness.

Well, eventually it got so bad that she ran to the toilet and slammed the door behind her. I rushed in after her to hold her hair from her face on the off chance she might be required to throw up. She laughed a little at my intrusion (I think I mentioned before that she has a great sense of humor) before truly giving herself over to vomiting.

Now, I'm not curious or anything, but I do care about my darling, so I decided to check and see whether there was any blood in her vomit (I've heard that's very bad), but luckily, no. Thankfully, it was just about a quart of white, milky, viscousy stuff in the bowl.

When I asked her if maybe she had an unknown lactose allergy, she laughed (again: her sense of humor!) and told me that, no, it was just that she was probably just getting too much protein in her diet.

Another problem solved! Yay for us!

Think of me as a megaphone directed at God's eardrum, my child.
Corporal_Hicks
Location:
Posts: 1664
Posted: 10 years 41 weeks ago

Put some corn in the crotch pot for a couple of hours.

Sent from Dalton's IPad.