Corona | Coming Attractions

Don't encourage him KV, for the love of God!!!

Jack made me laugh.

Jack made me laugh, too. Jack's a funny man. That's why it disappoints me so much when he says something unfunny.

It also disappoints me when Quasar ends any given day with a funnier day of posting than Jack. Jack's supposed to be the funny one. Quit droppin' the ball, Jack. The only two you were supposed to drop got dropped a long time ago.

The Swollen Goi... wrote:

I would said all that in a single post, but I decided to break it up into multiples. You know, for Mal.

Breaking it up into smaller chunks didn't help that much, Goits, but thanks for thinking of me. I started reading the first in the string of your four posts, but by the time I was done with it, it was already lunchtime, so I took a break with the justification that my meal would give me enough strength to finish reading the rest of what you had written. It was an arduous task, but in the end I was actually able to read the posts pretty quickly, if I may say so myself, taking only about three hours total.

Then I saw Jack's wall of text and immediately sank back into my chair. Fortunately, his second post was mostly composed of quotes and recycled material, so I was able to skim it in slightly less than an hour.

You must be as slow a writer as you are a reader, Malio Andretti. I added a "have" to that post five minutes before you posted the "have"-less quote of the original text.

"Malio Andretti." Damn, you are on a roll, Goiter. I think that's two posts of yours I've found funny.

It's funny because Mario Andretti is fast.

(I'm guessing I just ended the streak.)

Yup.

Back to dropping balls, Goits.

"This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!"

I Googled that to make sure I wasn't misquoting Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. When I got to the end of "this is the happiest day of my life," though, Google's first suggestion was "this is the happiest day of my life lies man holding baby." I was pretty disturbed that that was the top suggestion until I saw that it was the title of an Onion article.

I looked up the article about the lying man holding the baby, even though I think I might've read it before. Whenever I read an The Onion article at their website, I can't help but look at and click on some of their links to other articles. As an erstwhile fan of Arby's, I couldn't resist this headline: 'Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef'. That made me laugh so hard I cried. It's one of those where they didn't even need to write an article, they could've just put up the headline, and in truth the article isn't nearly as funny as the headline, though I enjoyed parts.

The Onion wrote:

"Letting people sprint around the counter and take as much roast beef as they are physically able to pick up was really the next logical step in our business model," CEO Hala Moddelmog said. "We've found most Arby's customers would rather not hassle with vegetables, buns, or trays. They just want beef, and they want it fast, fresh, and wadded up in their mouths.

Meal Deal participants reportedly will be required to keep their pockets turned inside out at all times, and won't be allowed to carry items that could be used to hoard extra meat, such as hats, cargo pants, or pocketbooks. Patrons will also be barred from tucking in their shirts and dumping roast beef down their collars, which the company acknowledged had been a recurring problem in its Dallas and Memphis test markets.

Additionally, officials emphasized that customers may not pick up beef that spills onto the floor, as any such droppings remain the property of Arby's and will be promptly returned to the meat pile.

The Swollen Goi... wrote:

You must be as slow a writer as you are a reader, Malio Andretti. I added a "have" to that post five minutes before you posted the "have"-less quote of the original text.

You're just mad because I've immortalized your incompetence.

That's a beautiful headline. Unfortunately, I can only read the parts you post. The Onion tells me I have "arrived at [my] 30-day allowance of 5 free premium pages from America's Finest News Source."

They go on to tell me I can pay $2.95 for a month's worth of access or $29.95 for a year's worth of access. When did that happen? Is it because I'm in Germany, or is it happening for everybody?

Update:

I managed to Ctrl-A and Ctrl-C all the text on the page before the quota pop-up covered it up, but now I feel like I'm stealing from them.

I only like to steal books, audiobooks, movies, TV shows, music, and comedy albums. I don't wanna steal fake news articles.

I don't go to The Onion often enough to know, but I know some other sites like Variety (and the New York Times, I think) have similar setups, so it's probably something The Onion has also decided to adopt.  I'll go ahead and read some more article and see if I reach a limit.

ETA: I've clicked on a few articles, and they are not blocking me from reading any of them.  Looks like the list of bad things about moving to Germany was just extended by one.

Goits appreciates your tremendous sacrifice.

Thanks for visiting theonion.com.

We appreciate your continued support.

Here's what we're seeing. It does mention "premium" articles, Jack, so maybe the few articles you clicked on weren't "premium" enough.

I guess this is an extended version of the Broderick SB commercial. No Cameron. :(

Hockey jersey sort of counts, right?

Ruck's probably glad he didn't take part.

I think that add would have worked better if they had brought back some of the original actors.  How funny would it have been to see Ben Stein as the bellhop?  His career has gone so poorly that he is now a bellhop saying, "Broderick, Broderick".

Or to have Jennifer Grey as his co-star in whatever project he was calling in sick for trying to catch him in a lie to prove to the director that he is faking.  I realize that may take longer in a 2 minute commercial, but we all would have gotten the reference if they spent 5-10 seconds on it.

And how can you have a Ferris flashback commercial without Rooney?  Do we have to start writing this stuff for them?
 

I enjoyed the Seinfeld Acura commercial more because they had some of his characters in it like the Soup Nazi.  <SPOILER>I think the ending would have been better with Wayne Knight instead of Jay Leno.<END SPOILER>

Ben Stein is insane.

Drakemd wrote:

IAnd how can you have a Ferris flashback commercial without Rooney?  Do we have to start writing this stuff for them?

Considering Jeffrey Jones got busted for child porn back in 2003, I imagine they would be a little leery of using him again :)

omicron wrote:

Considering Jeffrey Jones got busted for child porn back in 2003, I imagine they would be a little leery of using him again :)

I thought Hollywood overlooked all crimes. OK, fair enough, no Jeffrey Jones. Was Alan Ruck not available? I just feel that it was a poor attempt at a Ferris Bueller commercial with only using Broderick. If you couldn't get anyone else but him, then the whole idea should have been scrapped.