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There is a bird stuck in my fireplace

Posted by Natalie on Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Fireplace, mind you, not my chimney. It must have fallen/flew in last night because I heard the chain curtain rattling and the tweeting late last night. Boyfriend looked in with a flashlight, sure enough, stupid bird is perched on the brick wall. Despite our best efforts at rationally explaining to the bird to fly up and out instead of banging his stupid head into the doors, the stupid thing is still there today.

I am torn as to whether the dumb bird will figure it out or if I should call someone to extort tons of money from me to remove it. I'm really afraid this is, like, the retard cousin of the very smart birds who come to our birdfeeder daily. What I do not want is this directionally challenged creature dying in my fireplace causing me an emotional breakdown and crying spell. I'm already developing a nervous tick from hearing it the stupid thing bang against the chain curtain over and over again.

We have movies to watch tonight, I can't concentrate on "He's Just Not That Into You" with a kamikaze bird 15 feet away from me. How can I enjoy Clive Owen in "The International" with a little feathery tail in my periphery?

Suggestions? Volunteers? Someone know how to get rid of this thing? Boyfriend and I are at a loss.

KingVoyeur
Location:
Posts: 1601
Posted: 4 years 42 weeks ago

Get a sheet and open the fireplace door. Catch it in the sheet and set it free outside. My dad did that several times when I was a kid. Birds kept flying down our chimneys. Seemed a pretty easy way to get rid of them.

It's either that or start a fire. I'm sure the bird would get the idea that up is out eventually.

Honey bunches.....of death!
Kaeos
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Posts: 417
Posted: 4 years 42 weeks ago

lol probably not quickly enough though. What you never ate squab?

Voyeur is right though. I've had this issue twice with out woodstove in the living room. I used a large hamper bag.

Good luck :)

The Best Music, and The Best New Talk Radio! www.iTMIRadio.com
The Swollen Goi...
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Posts: 14343
Posted: 4 years 42 weeks ago

Some birds simply can't fly straight up--most birds, actually. Hummingbirds can. Other birds need a bit of a berth to fly up (again, though, "straight up" doesn't really happen for most birds). A house sparrow *might* make it, depending on how wide the berth is. A dove/rock dove (common pigeon), gull, or an owl, on the other hand, would have real difficulty flying out.

Natalie
Location:
Posts: 138
Posted: 4 years 42 weeks ago

The bird saga continues.

Late yesterday afternoon the noises stopped. I thought, "Yay, stupid bird figured it out." When Boyfriend got home he asked if the bird was still there and I said, "Well, I didn't go in and ask or anything, but the noises stopped so he's out or he's dead." So he takes a flashlight and looks through the screen, no bird. He opens the screen and looks through the curtain, no bird. He opens the curtain and looks up and jumps back. As I'm running toward the kitchen I ask, "Bird?" He says, "Lots of flapping." I retreat to the bedoom and stay there for an hour before coming back downstairs.

Shortly after dark the noises start. The little fucker is getting comfortable in there now. He didn't make those desperate noises like he was trying to get out, he sounded like he was taking up residence. So annoying. He calmed down around 9pm and chilled like he was also watching TV with us. I went to bed at 10 and figured BF would figure something out.

Thanks for the advice, I will tell BF what to do as I will have nothing to do with a renegade bird flying at my head.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 4 years 42 weeks ago

getting comfortable = giving up

Kaeos
Location:
Posts: 417
Posted: 4 years 42 weeks ago

Newspaper - $1.50. Lighter - $2.00. Fireplace Wood Bundle - $5.00. Giving that smart ass bird a "warm" welcome - Priceless.

>)

The Best Music, and The Best New Talk Radio! www.iTMIRadio.com
Jakester
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Posts: 5753
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Heh, Nice one, K-dawg!

The bird...I flipped it.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
KingVoyeur
Location:
Posts: 1601
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

So is it dead yet?

Honey bunches.....of death!
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

The other thread with the exact same title? I dunno. Seems like it may be. Can we get a Level Nine cleric to cast a resurrection spell? Anybody?

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Q - What do you do when a bird shits on your windscreen.
A - Never date her again.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
omicron
Location:
Posts: 1238
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

I am sure that joke really kills on your side of the pond, dalty. :)

We were watching Al-Quaeda, and all this time our security services should have been keeping watch on Jakester's throbbing nutsack!-Dalton's chin dimple
Corporal_Hicks
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Posts: 1664
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

A bird poo'd on me the other day.

It was warm with the consistency of spicy brown mustard.

Sent from Dalton's IPad.
Kaeos
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Posts: 417
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

0_o

That was....(god help me) foul

The Best Music, and The Best New Talk Radio! www.iTMIRadio.com
Gentlemen Death
Location:
Posts: 270
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

One time my brother found a peice of cat shit on the floor, he thought it was chocolate so he took a bite...then realized what it was and started to cry and ran to the bathroom....I think he was 10 at the time....Either way...I still am confused on how he thought it was chocolate...?...

I keep my standards low, that way im never dissapointed
Baelzar
Location:
Posts: 213
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Boyfriend? He is an actual male, right?

"INDEED!"
Natalie
Location:
Posts: 138
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Okay, bird update. Boyfriend (yes, typical male species) and I went to the mountains this past weekend and just left the thing in there hoping for the best. Without us for 3 days it disappeared and there is no longer any noise. BF checked it out and didn't see a dead bird in the fireplace, so we're assuming it went bye-bye.

Here is another annoying animal story:

Bats in the Attic:
When I was a kid, I think around 8-9, we had bats in our attic. Fairly common and not usually a big deal to get rid of with the help of qualified exterminators. My understanding of the proper process is that they go up through the indoor access and set a bomb to go off. They leave the exterior access open for the bats to fly out so they can go find woods or a cave or at the very least someone else's attic to inhabit.

Apparently, my parents got some discount fools to to do the job who were going to seal everything and come back and collect the dead bats. Well, they sealed the exterior and "accidentally" left a big enough opening in the inside access for all the intoxicated bats to come INTO the house. I got home from school and there were bats everywhere! Hanging from the shower and curtain rods, flying in the hallways. They were drunk on the bomb chemicals so they were bouncing off the walls, etc. My brother threw a sheet over one and hit it with a baseball bat. PETA would have died.

I went running from the house screaming and called my mom at work from a neighbor's and we had to stay in a hotel for 3 days. When we got home, there were dead bats all over the place. It was awful. After getting rid of them we had to clean everything and get rid of all our food. Mom bought new sheets, curtains, everything.

I'm all for nature, but only if it stays outside.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

You know, you're only two steps away from becoming Batman. There's the whole being-born-into-a-family-of-means step, and the seeing-your-parents-shot-in-front-of-you step.

If it turns out that you've undergone the latter of the two, I apologize for my insensitivity.

Natalie
Location:
Posts: 138
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

No problem, parents are alive and poor. Just my stupid luck, I always hoped I'd have dead rich parents...just kidding, I've been considering a dead, rich ex-husband, though.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Do you mean dead rich as in really rich? Or dead rich as in rich and no longer breathing.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Natalie
Location:
Posts: 138
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Dead rich as in J Howard Marshall dead rich.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Not as in "Jason Deadrich," founder of ChickFight?

omicron
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Posts: 1238
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Reminds me of a story from college:

Come home from work around 7pm. Find the house wide open, doors propped open, lights on, tv on, etc but no roommates. This was back before cell phones(fuck you I'm old) so I had no idea what was going on. Walked down to the corner bar to find my roommates sitting around getting drunk. Ask them why the house is wide open. Turns out a bat found its way into the house and freaked out roommates decided to leave everything open, go get drunk, and hope the bat found its way out.

Turns out it didn't, so I had to kill it and throw it out. Bats are hard to hit too.

We were watching Al-Quaeda, and all this time our security services should have been keeping watch on Jakester's throbbing nutsack!-Dalton's chin dimple
Natalie
Location:
Posts: 138
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

Good story!

Back a few years ago, while watching TV with Boyfriend, I see this itty bitty little thing run across the floor. Too fast for a big and I realize it was a mouse. So I scream like Jamie Lee and jump onto the couch flailing all over the place. And Boyfriend who is typically disinterested in my hysterics looks up with mild curiosity at why I'm screaming and jumping on the couch. (I swear it isn't a common thing. He SHOULD have realized something was up.)

Of course, all my screaming and jumping has scared the little thing under the door to the closet with loads of gift wrapping supplies making it impossible to find something so small. Boyfriend obliges anyway and tried to find it. Of course, no luck. He tried to assure me that since it was so close to the front door (which was slightly ajar) it probably went right back out after I quit screaming. But I never saw it run out and I stared at that little crack under the closet for the rest of the night.

For all I know, somewhere underneath the rarely used baby/wedding/anniversary paper is a little mouse kingdom like in Despereaux.

Natalie
Location:
Posts: 138
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

You guys are going to think my house is dirty or something. I promise it's not. ::::Sweeping::::

Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 4 years 41 weeks ago

I don't think your house is dirty. I think your mind is. It's obvious this story is a ruse and the statement, "there's a bird stuck in my fireplace," is just a euphemism for sexual penetration.

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!