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There is a bird stuck in my fireplace

Posted by Natalie on Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Fireplace, mind you, not my chimney. It must have fallen/flew in last night because I heard the chain curtain rattling and the tweeting late last night. Boyfriend looked in with a flashlight, sure enough, stupid bird is perched on the brick wall. Despite our best efforts at rationally explaining to the bird to fly up and out instead of banging his stupid head into the doors, the stupid thing is still there today.

I am torn as to whether the dumb bird will figure it out or if I should call someone to extort tons of money from me to remove it. I'm really afraid this is, like, the retard cousin of the very smart birds who come to our birdfeeder daily. What I do not want is this directionally challenged creature dying in my fireplace causing me an emotional breakdown and crying spell. I'm already developing a nervous tick from hearing it the stupid thing bang against the chain curtain over and over again.

We have movies to watch tonight, I can't concentrate on "He's Just Not That Into You" with a kamikaze bird 15 feet away from me. How can I enjoy Clive Owen in "The International" with a little feathery tail in my periphery?

Suggestions? Volunteers? Someone know how to get rid of this thing? Boyfriend and I are at a loss.

Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

And I was just going to comment that I'd like to stick a bird up Nat's fireplace.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

You just did!

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

Jake, she's a black belt in karate mate. I reckon any attempt to do so may result in the kind of beating that a code word can't stop.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

Neglet's the black belt, not Nat.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
Natalie
Location:
Posts: 138
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

I'd just beat you with an ol' switch from the back yard like my granny did!

So now my house is dirty. The downstairs was flooded last night. I'm not kidding. I'm sitting at my desk with industrial fans blowing in every room trying to dry it out. Plumbers coming back to instaill new pipes. Have to hire one of those water restoration people to clean so I don't get mold.

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

Jakester wrote:

Neglet's the black belt, not Nat.

Shit, how incredibly embarrassing !!! Now I look like I just haven't been paying attention.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

Damn that bird for flooding your house!

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

Definitely never date her again.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

I'm a black belt, too. Being a black belt, I am un-intimidated by what I like to call the "Black Belt Mystique." This is not because I feel that being a black belt puts me at an advantage, but because I've known as many clueless black belts (of which I am undoubtedly one) as I have clueless professors, mechanics, etc.

I got my black belt in Yoshukai Karate, which is neither very widespread nor respected. It was the kind of karate to which I had access in rural Alabama, however, so it was the kind of karate I was made to practice. When I say "was made," I mean it. Parents can be assholes. Five long years, Folks. Five long, painful, soul-crushing years.

Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

Elvis was a black belt.

Elvis died on the toilet.

People with black belts die on toilets.

:-D

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
Natalie
Location:
Posts: 138
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

I own a black belt. And a brown one, and a silver one, and a patent leather one with a col buckle. Does any of that count?

Actually, the only belt I was ever worried about being beat up by was my mama's belt, or her shoe, or her hairbrush, or whatever was handy for her to kick my ass when I did something wrong. :)

My brother tells a story about Mom in the 70's wearing Candies heels and how she could throw it at you around the corner, knock you out, and it would boomarang back onto her foot. Mama's got skillzzzz

http://www.poshvintage.com/prodimg/xe131a.big.jpg

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 8 years 15 weeks ago

I tried so many martial arts and got bored with all of them except Jiu Jitsu. I have such a low attention threshold...

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

Daltons chin dimple wrote:

...I have such a low attention threshold...

What? I zoned out there for a moment. (LOL.)

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

I usually only have that effect on women.....

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

Maybe your skills are improving? :-D

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

Like a ninja..... a boring ninja.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

Daltons chin dimple wrote:

Like a ninja..... a boring ninja.

How are you defining "boring," here?

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

I ain't talkin' about tunnelin' boy!

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

I'm going to bore my girlfriend later tonight! (You can choose either context, and it'll probably still be correct.)

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

Daltons chin dimple wrote:

I ain't talkin' about tunnelin' boy!

Are you talkin' 'bout tunnelin' girl?

Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

I'm sure you do both at the same time, Bark.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

I already said that.

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

It bore repeating.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 8 years 14 weeks ago

Ba-da-dum!

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!