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Things I learnt in Paris.

Posted by Daltons chin dimple on Tuesday, January 26, 2010

1) Trains are the only way to travel. Turn up to the station, get on the train as it pulls in, relax all the way through the Chunnel and across Northern France whilst a very camp Frenchman brings me the daily papers and refills my champagne glass endlessly, get off slap-bang in central Paris. None of the abject misery that now accompanies air travel.

2) Too much champagne on the journey over makes deciphering the Parisian Metro system difficult.

3) Paris is expensive. Not 'a bit pricey' or 'on par with other major cities' but proper, blow you away and make you feel poor expensive!!! The exchange rate with the EURO hasn't helped but near the centre, so within walking distance of the usual locations a bottle of wine with dinner was 40EUR ($56) and a large beer was 20EUR ($28).

Restaurant Jules Verne is a culinary high spot in a city known for them so a premium is to be expected, but a Croque Monsieur will always remain just a toasted ham sandwich with a cheese and dijon layer on top. There is no way it should cost 54EUR ($76) !!!

Now I now how American tourists feel when they try and go out in the West End of London... only this made London look positively good value.

Even travelling out to the student regions a few blocks from The Bastille didn't really help.

4) Even when viewed on a grey and rainy January day, Paris is still staggeringly beautiful.

5) The Mona Lisa is one of the most dissappointing paintings in the world.

6) The Venus De Milo is probably not even Venus.

7) The Eiffel Tower will be lovely when it's finished.

8) You must have a staggering lack of national irony to make a big deal out of L'Ecole Militaire, call a road 'The Avenue of the Grand Army', an area in the city 'The Defense' and to have an attraction called 'The Arch of Triumph' when you have a reputation for being on the recieving end of many of histories greatest spankings.

9) There is a monument to the "Glorious Liberation of Paris by the Heroes of The French Resistance". I was clearly off the day they taught that in history class.

10) The Louvre is really, really, really, really, really long.

11) The preservation of many of Paris' most famous architectural wonders is, in fact, due to a Nazi!

12) The inverted pyramid from the end of the Da Vince Code is actually in the centre of a shopping mall.

13) 'Le Grande Biblioteque Du Louvre' (Grand Library of the Louvre) is somewhat diminished when you get to the other end and discover that it is actually a branch of Virgin Books with a Starbucks next door.

KingVoyeur
Location:
Posts: 1601
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

I went to Europe with a group the summer after I graduated high school, with Paris as the last stop. I had to wait for my dad to wire me money while everyone else went on a tour of the Louvre. I got to walk around Paris by myself while they got hurried through the Louvre. Apparently I had the better time.

We also got a gun waved in our faces on the Metro and had a group of guys that were driving by tell us they were going to beat us Americans up as we were walking back to the hotel. J'adore Paris!

Honey bunches.....of death!
Corporal_Hicks
Location:
Posts: 1664
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

This is a good thread.

This is stuff that is important and necessary. Best thread (to date) on this board.

Sent from Dalton's IPad.
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

The last time I was in Paris, I set fire to sidewalk, got lost, was given a free blue-colored vanilla ice cream scoop dropped in a collectible Brainy Smurf head, and drew the attention of everyone in the Louvre to my mother's gigantic feet.

Darth Snoopy
Location:
Posts: 62
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

My aunt moved to France, and has since lived all over Europe. she married a man from Holland and has two kids. He LOVES America, and so does she, obviously, but they will never move to America because of two items I have to hear about at every family reunion:

1. Our crap healthcare
2. Our cheap education

That's what I hear from Paris. ;)

No, I don't spellcheck.
Kaeos
Location:
Posts: 417
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

well said smart guy, lol. I have heard SOOO many negative things about living in France - at least if you've come from a typicallly "American" background. The food is the biggest turn off for me. I imagine I would starve save for a steady diet of a McDonald's Royale with Cheese. 0_o

The Best Music, and The Best New Talk Radio! www.iTMIRadio.com
Corporal_Hicks
Location:
Posts: 1664
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

This is when Space Tycoon enters [stage left] and accuses all of you of being "too white".

Sent from Dalton's IPad.
Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Wow. Didn't realise Paris was so unbelievably expensive. $28 for a beer?! Wow.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Don't drink booze in Paris. Check. All of a sudden, it seems fairly affordable.

The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Also, avoid fancy sandwiches with names like "Croque Monsieur."

Who do they think they are, with their bullshit, hoity-toity French names for foods?

Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

I was in Paris in 1998, and their Metro was horribly filthy. In comparison, you could eat off of the floors of London's Underground.

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

You knew I'd say this, but I'll say it anyway...

I'd love to eat off of Kah's London Underground.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
KingVoyeur
Location:
Posts: 1601
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Do you need a passport for that?

Honey bunches.....of death!
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

No, but whipped cream comes in handy.

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
omicron
Location:
Posts: 1238
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

I don't even want to know where you swipe your Oyster card...

We were watching Al-Quaeda, and all this time our security services should have been keeping watch on Jakester's throbbing nutsack!-Dalton's chin dimple
Space Tycoon
Location:
Posts: 2464
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Corporal_Hicks wrote:

This is when Space Tycoon enters [stage left] and accuses all of you of being "too white".

I wasn't going to say anything.

Oh, except I met this beautiful Parisian woman today. Enchante....

Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

I was 14 years old on a family holiday to Normandy when a holiday encounter with a French girl ruined me for other women my age. It was both eye opening and knee trembling.

Enjoy!!

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Daltons chin dimple wrote:

I was 14 years old on a family holiday to Normandy when a holiday encounter with a French girl ruined me for other women my age. It was both eye opening and knee trembling.Enjoy!!

That sounds like an artistic softcore porno that aired on Showtime.

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

I saw the autistic softcore porno version.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.
Bokchoi Cowboy
Location:
Posts: 90
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Jakester wrote:

I saw the autistic softcore porno version.

You ARE the autistic softcore porno version Jakester.

You don't know the power of the Bokside!
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

It is not far from autistic porn to amputee porn and if we go there, then I am going to call the police.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
Bark
Location:
Posts: 352
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Seriously, I had to watch amputee porn once. In college, I needed an upper level Social Studies (not a History course though) to graduate. I took Sociology 369 (The professor had a sense of humor): Sex & Society. It sounded fun, but it was a nightmare that burned so many bad images into my head that I still twitch when I think about it. However, it did make me say a line that I never thought I would ever say, "Would you please turn off the porno, I'm trying to take this final!"

Anyway, the amputee part of the amputee porno wasn't the bad part. It was the ugliness of the couple. They were hideous trolls! I've sneezed better looking things than those two. I guess there aren't much options for amputee porn actors and actresses though.

Guess what? I got a fever. And the only prescription . . . is more cowbell!
Daltons chin dimple
Location:
Posts: 12800
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Dwarf porn, amputee porn, tranny porn, schiezer... these are all getting into the scary realms where if you push your sexual boundaries too far, they may push back.

It is a dark place. If you ever find yourself paying a one-legged transexual midget to shit on you, you have gone too far.

....says "Kill Bond, NOW!"
The Swollen Goi...
Location:
Posts: 14343
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

I watch all kinds of porn.

omicron
Location:
Posts: 1238
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

Daltons chin dimple wrote:

If you ever find yourself paying a one-legged transexual midget to shit on you, you have gone too far.

When I woke up this morning, I would have bet a million dollars I would not have read this sentence today. Thank you for continuing to make my existence unpredictable :)

We were watching Al-Quaeda, and all this time our security services should have been keeping watch on Jakester's throbbing nutsack!-Dalton's chin dimple
Jakester
Location:
Posts: 5753
Posted: 10 years 51 weeks ago

I've never paid for that.

Richard Gozinya, Harold Snatch and Wilbur Jizz. Together we are the law firm Gozinya, Snatch and Jizz.