Corona | Coming Attractions

A Word of Warning:

What follows is a review of 2-D Thor's taco-popping 2-D visuals. For an in-depth, Corona-like look at the 3-D Thor, go here.

You've seen one-dimensional films, you've seen movies in two dimensions, and you've had it up to here with the 3-D.  What's next though?  4-D?  A dimension beyond that which is known to man?  Don't be gauche.

Here's what's next: 2-D.  No, not your stepdaddy's 2-D.  I'm talking 2-D Thor.  I'm talking 2-D unlike anything you've ever seen, upconverted solely by the presence of Thor.

A secret has been kept from you, which secret is that Thor--your all-time favorite comic superhero ever--is the star of not one, but two summer blockbusters in current release. You already know Thor is the star of Thor, a 3-D Marvel extravaganza that came out everywhere but America, like, months ago. You were in the loop on that one. You downloaded it back in February or something.  (Not you, I mean, because that would have been illegal.  I meant that other guy with the face and the hair who goes to that other movie website.  You know the one I'm talking about.  You totally watched it over his shoulder, though.  You didn't have any 3-D glasses, so it was lame, but you still watched it.)

Thor's also the star of Thor, a 2-D masterpiece that thunderblasted its way down from Valhalla (HOLLA!) at midnight this morning. Central time, specifically. It's only playing at the AMC West Olive 16 in Creve Coeur, Missouri, which is a little inconvenient for you if you're not one of the 16,500 people who live in Creve Coeur. But it's Thor playing Thor in the gloriously 2-D Thor, so what the hey? It's worth the drive.

You may think you've seen Thor, but you've never seen Thor like this. The subtlety of color, the brilliant brightness, the heart-pounding, non-headache-inducing flatness of presentation... all these elements compact together into a star so dense the resulting supernova of sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell bursts forth like a cosmic inevitability. Yes, sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. This is a 2-D of such aching beauty you will be reborn a synesthete. You will look back on your life pre-2-D Thor as a depressing purgatory stay whiled adrift in a galactically vast prison of inchoate sensory development. "Childhood of un-synced senses," you will burp, "I scoff at thee!"

I've missed Thor. I've barely seen him since the 1987-1988 Golden Era, back when he absolutely dominated the entertainment industry. Who could possibly forget his bold-yet-tender turn as a garage owner in Adventures in Babysitting, or the natural, cheeky charm with which he plays himself in The Incredible Hulk Returns? What have we gotten since then, though? Cameos on Hannah Montana and Curb Your Enthusiasm? No thank you. Give me 2-D Thor!

2-D Thor!

I don't have to squint to see you through the impenetrable pitch of polarized lenses, 2-D Thor. I don't have to quake in terror every time I see you flying toward the camera. I don't have to embarrass myself when my wife catches me trying to stroke at your wavy, golden locks, or fear the needle-hard prickle of your too perfect beard. Oh, 2-D Thor! You make me want to sing my heartsong. Perhaps others will sing it with me. Go ahead, others. You know the lyrics:

When the Mighty Odinson throws ol' Mjolnir,
All those who chose to oppose Mjolnir must yield!
If he’s led to a fight and a duel is due,
Then the yellow and blue and red’ll come through!
When the Mighty Odinson throws ol' Mjolnir!

Good ol' 2-D Thor. If I hadn't been distracted by his haughty manhood, I might have paid more attention to that horror of horrors: Any-D Natalie Portman's brand new stabs at acting.  I'm sure the folks who watched the 3-D version were all scratching their head and wondering just what it was about Plain Jane Foster that attracted Thor.  Not ol' Thursty!  He was too busy drinking in 2-D Thor's pec-flexing grandeur!  

Had I been able to concentrate on the movie at hand, I might have come to the conclusion that all the Thor-less scenes are talky and dumb, and that Loki telegraphs his evil too much. I might have realized I was getting more of a kick out of Anthony Hopkins's performance than I had expected. I would have noticed how even though Asgard reminded me of a cross between the 1980 Flash Gordon sets and the Eternia backdrops in the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe cartoon, I didn't mind all that much. I might have been annoyed by the running gag of Thor getting hit by vehicles and knocked out mid-brag. I might have been pleased by the Stan Lee cameo. I might have been excited by Thor's first encounter with the frost giants and bored by most of the rest of the fighting. I might have been surprised that hammer-less Thor's only effective fighting technique is a flying two-footed kick to the chest. (Who knew Thor watched Monday Night RAW?) I might have decided, ultimately, that I liked Thor more than the movie he's in.

The burden of these realizations, thankfully, was lifted by the pulsing splendiferousness of 2-D. I was too thrilled, THRILLED, by the spectacle of two dimensions to notice anything else was going on. And that's the way I like it. You can keep your Shakespearian themes and nuanced performances, Mr. Branagh. Just give me 2-D Thor and get out of the way.

Do yourself a favor and drive on out to Creve Coeur, Missouri's West Olive 16. Otherwise, you're going to get chumpatized by admen attempting to choke a few extra bucks out of you for an entirely unnecessary D.

2-D Score: 9,001 / 100

Review Score: 69 / 100